There are many definitions of what a fuckboy is. My definition is someone who fucks with your emotions, is dishonest with his intentions, has no interest in ever committing, yet keeps you hooked with his words and actions. He never considers your feelings, and he is made of stone. Fuckboys don’t care if you get hurt, to them it’s a way of getting the girlfriend experience, without getting emotionally involved.
I unknowingly dated a fuckboy for a few months. We met in a club, the connection was instant. I felt it, so did he. How do I know he felt it? Well because he told me so. He told me he had never felt this energy and instant connection with a woman before. I believed him.
We fell into a routine.
If we weren’t dancing at our favourite club together, we were on weekend trips, laughing incessantly, goofing around like the big kids we enjoyed being. That’s what connected us. It wasn’t a relationship based on sex. He seemed to like me for more than my body, which felt new, and different in this sexed up city. He was respectful of women, respectful of me. He sweet talked me by letting me know “ I’m not looking at any other women”, as he held my hand walking through the crowded club. Or how he’ll miss me when I leave town for a weekend, even though we only met each other the week before.
He made me feel secure,
After enduring seven years of bullshit with men in Berlin, he finally made me believe that good guys exist. I trusted him instantly, my gut agreed with everything. Nothing seemed to be going wrong. I had realistic hopes that this could turn into a committed relationship.
At the three month mark, I asked him if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We had already been exclusive, so it was the obvious next step.
- “I don’t know, what do you think?”, he asked me.
- “Well, what’s the difference to how we are right now? They’re just 2 words, and it saves me giving the long winded line of “the guy I’m dating”.
But he wasn’t sure.
He was hurt in the past, had drama in the past. He doesn’t want things to end badly, he doesn’t want to be disliked “when” we break up.
"Why are you running yourself into a cul de sac by saying 'when we break up'?"
"How can you already see the end, we just arrived at the starting line?" I was surprised by his pessimism. He had only just agreed a couple of moments before that we have a great connection.
I gave him a few days to think about it. I trusted that he was smart enough to give me the right answer.
Turns out he is dumb as hell.
He has a fear of pain and wanted to avoid feeling any sort of discomfort. I asked him had he ever had his heart broken before, he said no. That explained it all. He also seemed to think that this moment was the right time to tell me he doesn't do relationships.
"I didn't say it before because it's an uncomfortable conversation to have, I didn't know how to say it, but I wanted to".
That makes it all better then Boo.
The following day he fucked off on holidays for two weeks and I was once again left in the dark by a man who made me feel like I could trust him.
No message is a message.
I didn't hear a peep out of him. Knowing full well he wasn't going to text me asking how I was doing. He wouldn't be mentally able to cope with my honesty. He doesn't have the backbone for it.
But I needed closure because I spent enough time being sad about the situation. So we met a few days after he returned but he didn't come back feeling any different. Even after I extended my hand to help him through his fear, a fear that is going to stop him from ever having a relationship, he chose to leave me and our great connection.
Like a man made of stone, his response after I poured my heart out to him was "please forget it and stop giving me stress". For someone who claimed to be very sensitive, he gave no consideration to my feelings.
Another emotionally unavailable man. Another man not willing to feel discomfort.
Another man who can't commit. Another man not willing to grow.
Another lesson learned.
Another Fuckboy.
Another Berlin love story.
Lulu x